There are dozens of dating and relationship books published each year. One that stood out, for many people, for its upbeat tone and explicit optimism was Amy Spencer's, Meeting Your Half-Orange. It's Just Lunch reached out to Amy to interview her for this blog.
1. Can you tell us a little bit about you and your background as a writer and a relationship expert.
Sure. I've been writing about relationships for fifteen years. I began my career as an editor at both Maxim and Glamour where I gained invaluable insight about men and women (did you ever notice, for instance, how "betting" and "bedding" sound the same and elicit excitement from the genders for such different reasons?). Ever since, I've been interviewing PhDs and therapists and writing about dating and relationships. I also hosted a talk radio show on Sirius/XM for a couple of years that answered callers questions about love and sex, so it's been a fun ride. My latest project is my book Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match and making the companion iPhone App (Half-Orange Optimisms) so that singles can shake up a dose of dating positivity in the morning or before a date. I'm like a walking version of a sappy long-distance commercial, I just want the whole world to find love.
2. What's your dating philosophy?
Dating isn't just about the destination, but about what you learn about yourself and the experiences you have–great, terrible, hilarious or otherwise–along the way. I'm also a huge believer that you should only date when you want to date so you put your best self out there. It took me so long to realize when I was single that groaning and dragging myself out to dates I was dreading wasn't actually helping me, because half the time it was scaring people off! I started to ask myself, "Who the heck's going to want to date me when I'm giving off this lame and negative energy?" If you're not feeling it, take a breather for a second, enjoy your friends and your life and regroup. I think people are most likely to meet the right person when they're liking themselves and feeling pretty good, like one of those "Good Hair Day" feelings.
3. What do you mean by "dating optimism"?
Dating optimism is essentially about being so focused on how you want to feel in the right relationship and so authentically happy in your own skin, that you naturally draw the right person straight to you. It's about getting on the train to happiness right now, instead of waiting for some relationship to try to fill that role for you. The better you feel about yourself and your life, the more attractive you'll feel and be, and the easier it'll be to recognize the right person–and for them to realize you're right for them, too. In the book, I explain the neuroscience and positive psychology of how optimism like this changes your life so people understand this isn't woo-woo stuff. This is all based on solid research and it works.
4. What advice would you give to someone about to go on a first date? Would your advice for women be different than your advice for men?
Smile. Open your eyes and open your mind. Listen as much as you talk. Sit back and enjoy it rather than feeling like you have to lean in and pounce on it. And most important, think about what you're gaining, not what might be missing. The more you seek out the positive elements in your date, the more you'll find them. When it comes to men and women, my advice is really the same: As long as you're honest with your intentions, you're good to go. Whether you're just dipping your toes in the dating water for fun or you want to find the right person to raise a family with, express that briefly and then carry on. Be honest about who you are so you can give each date a fair shake. It kills me when I think about the times I walked into a date pretending to be the person I thought HE wanted me to be, and it only confused both of us. It was so backward! So I say be positive, be real and be confident–which makes you, by the way, ridiculously attractive.
5. What's the best dating advice you ever received?
Ooh, good question! Let's see…I guess I'd say my favorite advice came from the movie "Something's Gotta Give," when Jack Nicholson's character asks Diane Keaton's character to go for a walk on the beach. She hems and haws like it's this complex overture until he finally says, "It's just a walk, Erica, not a marriage proposal." And I remember being so startled by that, how right he was. When I was single, I kept getting caught up in the idea that every date was supposed to be "The One!" and that any time I spent with someone who wasn't was some colossal waste of time. But the truth is, it's all about taking those small steps, because YNK: You Never Know. For now, it's just a walk on the beach, it's just a latte, it's just a cocktail, it's just a short time to get to know some other human being in whatever way you can. Maybe you walk away with a spark. Or maybe you walk away with a friend, a business contact, a new point of view, a book recommendation, or a good laugh under your belt. Either way, that's what dating is about. Taking a chance, putting yourself out there, and finding the best in the new people you meet.
